The Great Paintball War of 2013
by Sub-Zero MKA
Summary: In war, there are always casualties. Paintball is no different. When the Avengers have a paintball war, they take it very, very seriously.
1. The First Salvo

_Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any of the characters in this story._

_**The Great Paintball War of 2013: The First Salvo**_

Science Bros Tony and Bruce were very innocently working on SCIENCE in Tony's lab. Tony's music was, of course, blaring at obnoxious levels, but by this point Bruce was already used to it. As was Pepper Potts, girlfriend of the genius billionaire, who was tapping away on her iPad and was seemingly unaffected by the loud rock music.

Bruce gestured for Tony to come to his table and check something out. They had decided to try and improve the Avengers' uniforms, hoping to make them lighter, more flexible and more durable.

Bruce had just made a breakthrough on Hulk's stretchable pants. The music thankfully turned down enough for Tony to hear. "What have you got for me buddy?" he said.

"If we apply this type of fiberscopic threading to my slacks, it'll increase the elasticity of the pants by up to 36%," he responded with a small, satisfied smile.

"Sounds great. I bet the big guy will be–"

"Will be what," Bruce questioned, sounding a little bemused by Tony's sudden halt. Even Pepper stopped her work and followed Tony's line of sight. She saw Clint, Natasha and fellow SHIELD agent and newest Avenger Bobbi Morse all standing behind the plexi-glass door as Clint entered in the code to open it.

They were all carrying guns. Big, scary looking guns.

Tony instinctively stepped in front of Pepper while Bruce slowly took off his glasses. As the three entered, Tony said with a smirk, "Well, if it isn't the Three Stooges. What can we do you guys?"

Bobbi looked at the genius and smirked. "You can die," she said before she, Natasha and Clint all opened fire. Tony was struck once in the chest and dropped like a ton of bricks. Screams of surprise and pain filled the room as Tony and Bruce were riddled with rounds.

The rounds didn't stop until they were both on the ground, dead.

Bobbi turned and grinned widely. "Hah! That was more fun than you said it'd be, Nat," she said as the three agents gave each other high fives.

"Told you. Come on, let's get something to eat." They all filed out, yammering on about how cool it was to shoot things.

A few minutes later, Tony shot up into a sitting position. He groaned and grimaced as he tried to move his stinging limbs. He looked down and sighed. Great, his favorite white shirt was now ruined thanks to those knuckleheads, and there was paint all over the lab!

He looked over and saw that Bruce was also slowly getting ip, thankfully minus an ominous green hue. "Brucey, you alright," he called out to his friend.

"Yeah, I will be as soon as my groan stops hurting," he said, obviously in pain.

Tony chuckled softly, only wincing a little bit, before turning to check on Pepper. What he saw was the very epitome of horror. Pepper Potts, his one and only true love, laid on the ground, covered from head to toe with black/red, purple/black and blue/white paint. His love, dead before his very eyes.

"Pepper, no!" He crawled over to her and craddled her dead body in his aching arms. His body, his very soul tore itself to pieces with grief over not being able to protect her from those vile villains. "PEPPER, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed to the heavens.

"Tony," Pepper said, obviously in pain but still very much alive.

His head snapped up and he looked around frantically as if he had just heard a ghost. "Pepper? Is that you?"

"Let me go, Tony."

"I–…I can't," he said in a soft voice. He couldn't possibly imagine living the rest of his life without her. "Why Pepper? Why?" he cried out dramatically.

"I need to take a shower, Tony. Let me go."

Tony shuddered as Pepper's ghost spoke to him from beyond the grave. "Very well, Pepper. I'll miss you."

She rolled her eyes and got up, hissing as welts already began to form where the paintballs hit. "I'll be back in a bit. Try not to get into too much trouble while I'm gone, okay?"

"I understand, Pepper. I won't let your memory die. I swear it." She rolled her eyes again and walked out. After Pepper left to go shower and change, Tony stood tall, expression filled with anger and vengeance. "Bruce. They killed Pepper, but not us. Let's go make them regret not being as thorough as they should be."

"Right on. For Pepper," he replied before they both marched out of the lab.

The two scientists strode with purpose into the living room, where they found Steve, Thor and Jane all sitting watching TV. Jane was the first to notice the mess the two were. "What happened to you two?"

"Yeah. Were you two messing around in my art studio again?" Steve said, frowning a little.

"No. We were in the lab working when we were ambushed and attacked with paintballs by those traitors, Clint, Natasha and Bobbi. They–…they killed Pepper. They tried to kill us too, but didn't finish the job."

Steve's eyes widened with horror as Jane gasped, clearly shaken over the tragic death of her friend. Thor stood, resolute over this affront. "My friends, we must repay this travesty swiftly and without mercy."

"Thor is right. In the name of Virginia Potts, I declare war on Clint, Natasha, and Bobbi," Steve said firmly, in full army Captain mode.

Tony nodded, happy and pleased to know that his friends had his back in this trying time. "Let's get those bastards."


	2. The Counterattack

**A/N: Thanks a lot for the reviews, follows and favorites. They all mean a lot to me! **

**This will probably have four, maybe five chapters, but there's a chance it could be longer.**

**Anyway, next chapter! **

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. _

_**Chapter Two: The Counterattack **_

The security counsel of the United States of Stark Tower had assembled in their super secret war room, otherwise known as the kitchen in Tony and Pepper's penthouse apartment, to discuss a plan of action.

President Steve Rogers had declared war on the Communist Dictatorship of SHIELD after three of their agents had callously and mercilessly killed the girlfriend of General Tony Stark.

The two, plus Jane, Colonel Bruce Banner, Lieutenant Thor Odinson and Pepper's ghost were gathered in the kitchen, erm, war room to discuss their counterattack.

"We have everything we need, Mr. President, for our assault. State-of-the-art paintball guns, plastic knives fashioned to smear paint on contact, durable body armor, paint grenades, helmets with comm links. We are ready for battle, sir," Colonel Banner stated to the President of the USST.

President Rogers nodded and picked up an paintball gun, and inspected carefully. "Excellent. Lieutenant Odinson, intel."

Thor stepped up to the table and placed a map with several different sections shaded different colors. "Yes sir, Lord President. It had become well known that the interloper known as Hawkeye enjoys target practice here, in the targeting range in the gym on the fifteenth floor. As for Black Widow, she goes out of a late morning jog at 0900 hours every morning, and this coincides perfectly with Hawkeye's practice time. When she leaves, we strike him, hard." He smashed his fist into his open palm as the others nodded.

"Divide and conquer," Colonel Banner said with a sly grin. "And as for Mockingbird?"

"She usually practices her gymnastics at 0930 hours every morning."

General Stark stepped up and patted Lieutenant Odinson on the shoulder. "Good work, Lieutenant. Mr. President, I suggest we strike the Hawkeye at 0925 hours tomorrow. It will be too late for him to rely on Black Widow, and too early for Mockingbird. We kill him, and then take her out when she comes to practice her gymnastics. And I don't mean out for schwarma."

President Rogers took a few moments to think it over. "Make it so, General. Let's get ready."

"Yeah, let's do this," Jane said excitedly. Thor shook his head firmly. "But Thor, I want to avenge Pepper's death too!" As she said this, Pepper's ghost put way her plate and kissed Tony on the cheek.

"Good night, Tony," she said.

Tony's lip began quivering. "I can still hear her voice calling out to me. Good night, my love, wherever you are resting eternal." Pepper rolled her eyes and went to bed. "Jane," he said firmly, "I will not allow these, these terrorists to bring your young life to a tragic end like they did Pepper. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to sit this one out."

Jane scoffed and slumped in her chair, pouting angrily. Thor feeling sorry for leaving her out, cupped her face gently. "My Lady, be reasonable. Lady Pepper's life was snuffed because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. If such happened to, why I–" He stopped, close to tears and unable to muster the strength to even complete the thought.

Jane, no feeling bad, kissed Thor on the cheek. "Oh alright. I'll find some other way to help out."

"Propaganda," Steve suggested. "Every bond you buy is a bullet in the barrel of your best guy's gun."

"Or in this case, paintball gun," Bruce added. They all shared a hearty laugh.

"Okay, gentlemen, get plenty of rest. For tomorrow, we have a breakfast date in hell!"

United States of Stark Tower War Room, 0900 hours the next day.

Morning came quickly for the four man army of the United States of Stark Tower's Avenging Avengers Brigade. They stood in the war room, each decked out in full battle regalia and prepared for murder and vengeance. Each one was armed to the teeth; a fully loaded paintball gun, with two extra cartridges, a paint knife, a pair of smaller paintball guns in the shape of handguns, and five paint grenades.

Jane gave each man a good luck kiss on the cheek before they moved out. "Godspeed, boys."

"Thank you, Jane," President Rogers said graciously. "We'll avenge our friends death and bring those terrorists the payment they've earned."

Lieutenant Colonel Jarvis informed them that Natasha had left the premises. "Excellent. We'll travel to the sixteenth floor, and then travel down through the vents to the fifteenth and then catch him unawares," Tony said. They nodded and did just so.

It had been a great twelve hours for Clint. He, along with his friends Natasha and Bobbi, had killed Tony and Bruce. It was unfortunate that poor Pepper Potts had gotten caught in the crossfire, but that was the way war went sometimes. Sometimes innocents were killed for the advancement of the goal.

He had just finished shoot a few quiverfuls of arrows into the targets at the shooting range on the fifteenth floor of the tower and headed for the locker room. Realizing that the had forgotten his water bottle. He turned and headed back, only to stop when he heard what sounded like the distinct sound of the cover to the air vent being opened and four people landing on the ground, followed by a 'shh'ing noise. "Nah," he said and continued on his merry way, even whistling a jaunty tune.

When he turned back around after grabbing his bottle, he saw Tony, Steve, Thor and Bruce all standing in the doorway. All of them carrying what looked like… Crap.

Clint smiled nervously and put his hands up. "Hey guys. Let's not do anything hasty here."

"Bargaining for a surrender, are we," Bruce mocked as the cocked their guns and took aim.

Clint, now very nervous and close to running, as he was unarmed and, more importantly, unprotected, began backing away. "Wait, I can explain!"

"Cherish your life, mother fucker," Thor said as they opened fire on the lone hawk. Clint grunted, yelled and shrieked in pain as the paintballs pelted his bare flesh with little remorse. Even after he fell to the ground in a heap, they continued their assault. They didn't stop until he stopped moving.

Clinton Francis Barton. The second casualty of war.

"Hey wha– Clint! Noooooooo!" Bobbi surged in and dropped to her knees, cradling the dead man's head in her arms. Close to tears, she looked at his murderers with eyes filled with fury and hatred. "You bastards! You'll pay for this! I swear you will!"

"Tell it to the devil when you get to hell, bitch," Tony stated before they opened fire on Bobbi. She had the good sense to run, but her speed was no match for the flying pellets of compressed paint. She fell to the ground and died quickly as pellet after pellet pelted her bare back and legs.

Dr. Barbara "Bobbi" Morse. The third casualty of war.

Thor kicked her leg. "Ow," she said.

"She is indeed no more, my friends."

"Good riddance," Steve said. "Her homemade chicken noodle soup was terrible."

"You said you liked that!" The ghost of Bobbi exclaimed, surprised that Captain America had told a lie.

"Let's go. Let Black Widow see her two teammates dead and realize the folly of crossing the United States of Stark Tower."

As the four soldiers filed out, Natasha came out of the locker she was hiding in. Her eyes widened with shock and horror at the sight of her two friends dead. "No… NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she yelled angrily at the heavens. She dropped to her knees as angry tears streamed down her face. "I swear upon all that is just and right in the world, you bastards will pay for this affront! I swear!"

**A/N: Hm, I wonder what Natasha will do for a counter-counterattack. ;) **


	3. Natasha's Revenge

**A/N: I'm really glad you all are enjoying reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it! And yes, I am on crack. I'd have to be in order to think of stuff this off the wall ^_^**

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters_

_**Natasha's Revenge**_

–**Natasha's Apartment–**

It was eight o'clock PM on the same day as the USST's counterstrike against the Communist Dictatorship of SHIELD. After reporting her team's death to Supreme Overlord Nicholas J. Fury, who was unsurprisingly not pleased, Natasha was happy to hear that he was sending her a pair of mercenaries to aid her counter-counterattack.

Phil "Cap's Pal" Coulson and Maria Hill, the two most dangerous and efficient paintball mercenaries in all of SHIELD. Natasha's lips curled into a smile as she was told that they were on their way as they spoke. For two reasons actually. One, they were, as mentioned before, extremely dangerous and very efficient, unlike those back water hicks that comprised the USST's Avenging Avengers Brigade. The second reason had to do with the two corpses sitting on her sofa.

Natasha, after her team's demise, had been thoroughly studying the dark art of necromancy for some time now, and was intending on bringing her team back to life. She had just finished prepping the ritual when there was a knock at the door. _A direct assault?!_ she thought as she grabbed her gun, then put that down and grabbed her paintball gun.

She nearly ripped the door off its hinges and almost blew Maria's head clean off her shoulders. "Oh, it's you guys. Can't be too careful." She pulled Hill and Cap's Pal in before quickly closing the door. "This war has gotten real, guys. Clint and Bobbi are dead."

"I know, we heard. Any plans for a funeral?" Cap's Pal asked.

"No need. I've been studying necromancy for about," she paused to check her watch, "500 seconds now, and am now ready to resurrect them." She flipped the hood of the black cloak she was wearing over her head and headed for the kitchen. She pulled out a bag of resurrection powder, or sugar, and walked back, only to quirk an eyebrow at the dumbfounded faces she was receiving. "What?"

"Necromancy?" Hill exclaimed in disbelief. "I know you want to win, but isn't that a little extreme? I mean, it's just paint–"

She was cut off by Natasha slapping her in the face. "This is NOT just paintball! This is war; us vs them! You hear?! They killed Clint…oh, yeah, and Bobbi, too, but no one cares about her."

"Hey!" Bobbi's corpse shouted, taking offense.

"We are going to win this war, even if I have to kill everyone in this tower! Now step aside, junior." Maria moved out of the way, rubbing her red cheek, and watched her light the candles that were making up a circle in the center of the floor. "Make yourselves useful and move those corpses into the center of the circle. Make sure not to light them on fire or something."

As the two mercenaries did so, even while commenting on how heavy Barton's dead body was, Natasha was pouring the resurrection powder around the perimeter of the resurrection circle. "That'll do. Now step back; it's about to get medieval up in here." With two handfuls of resurrection powder, she began to chant her incantations. Maria was fully convinced that it was just complete gibberish that she was making up as she went along. "By the power of the Supreme Overlord of Darkness himself, I command these corpse to rise!" She threw the powder at the two corpses and fell to her knees. "Riiiiiiiiiiise!"

Clint and Bobbi stood up. "We're alive! But how?" Clint asked.

Natasha flipped her hood back and wrapped her arms around Clint. "I resurrected you. Clint, I'm so glad you're alive again."

"Thanks, Natasha," Bobbi said.

"You're welcome, Clint. I don't know what I would've done without you here, by my side, as a brother, friend, confidant, lover, soul mate, partner, life saver, snuggle buddy, cuddle monster, tickle dummy, smooshy wooshy pookie bear, my wittle –"

"Hey, what about me? I died too."

"What about you, Becky?" Natasha condescended.

"Bobbi."

"That's what I said, Billi. Anyways, Clint, it's good to have you back. And now, our revenge."

"What did you have in mind, Nat?" Clint inquired as he began to clean his gun.

"Twofold. First, we kidnap Jane Foster, to show those democratic jerks not to mess with us, and then assassinate President Rogers, to pretty much win the war."

Clint and Bobbi nodded with approval as the two mercenaries leapt up in protest. "You can't just kill Captain America!" his best pal protested in defiance.

"Of course I can, I'm Russian. Or at least I was, I think. Don't really know anymore. Anyways, you'll do what we command, Coulson. We're killing President Rogers, and that's final."

"Can't we just kidnap him and kill Jane?" Coulson had pretty much resorted to begging at this point.

"Yeah, I agree with that. Hey! We can even make him strip down and give us lapdances! And I can keep watch over him during missions and give him fifty tongue lashes and kittyboard him," Maria added, maybe becoming a little too excited.

"Wow, subtlety is nowhere to be found in your vocabulary, is it Hill," Clint remarked from his perch on Natasha's mantle.

"And I don't think I want to know what you mean by kittyboarding," Bobbi added.

"Kittyboarding is when a woman–"

"Enough! We're killing Rogers and nabbing Foster, and that's final. Now here's the plan: Coulson is going to into Steve's room, and put a paintball into his skull. Quick and simple. Get in, boom, get out. You'll travel through the air vents. As for Foster, that'll be trickier. With Potts' death, Thor will likely never leave her side, meaning we'll have to lure him away."

"And how do we do that?" Bobbi asked, a little wary of Maria when she suddenly closed her eyes and started licking her lips.

"Easy, with poptarts. We just need to lead him away from their bedroom for a few minutes while Clint nabs her."

"Oh yeah, I like that," Maria uttered dreamily.

"Well, okay then. Let's move out."

–**Washington DC, USST–**

It took Phil only a few minutes to crawl through the vents and into Washington DC, or Steve's apartment. It was magical, being in the actual quarters of his biggest hero. It was too bad that that jerk Natasha wanted him to kill him, but if it was for the betterment of the Dictatorship, then he would push aside his personal feelings and –

Phil quickly dove behind a sofa and drew his paintball handgun as he heard the front door opening. Sure enough, President Rogers was right there, right within shooting distance. Phil was more that adept enough with a firearm to shoot him there; but he couldn't. He was just so patriotic and cool, that he couldn't bring himself to pull the trigger just yet.

He stood tall and aimed the barrel of the gun toward his hero. Steve turned and, understandably, was taken surprise. "Phil, wha –"

"I'm here to kill you, Cap," he stated. Why he didn't just shoot him right then, instead of telling him that was anyone's guess.

"So, you're with the Communist Dictatorship of SHIELD, I take it?"

"That's right. Now, don't make this any harder than it needs to be." The gun began to shake as tears rolled down Phil's cheeks.

"Do what your country asks of you, son," Steve said calmly. He appeared to have already come to terms with his life and decided that he had a good one day term as President.

_He…called me son._ Phil heaved out a yell and turned the gun on himself, shooting himself in the chest. He screamed out about how horrible of an idea that was as he fell to the ground before dying.

Steve watched his lifeless corpse writhe in pain with a confused expression and quirked eyebrow. "What the freaking hell?!" he heard from the open air vent. He turned and saw Natasha half hanging out of the vent. "Crap," she exclaimed before tossing a grenade at him and crawling back into the vent.

Steve batted it away and dove behind the recliner next to his sofa. It exploded, covering all of his furniture, but thankfully not him, with black/red paint. He sighed with relief and shook his head at the dead body in his living room. "Better call Lieutenant Odinson for disposal."

–**A few minutes later–**

"He killed himself right there, you say," Thor repeated with a mouthful of poptarts that were just left on his kitchen table. He felt more than comfortable with eating a few before returning to his bedroom, because it wasn't like Jane was going to get kidnapped while he was gone or something silly like that.

"Yep. I need a clean up crew, too. Romanoff threw a grenade into my living room and it blew up all over my furniture."

"Consider it done, my friend." He hung up and opened the door to his bedroom, fully, and rightfully, expecting his girlfriend Jane to be lying on his bed, exactly where he left her for exactly five minutes while he went to go retrieve the poptarts. Because there was no way in Asgard that the poptarts he conveniently found in his kitchen, despite there being no one else in his apartment but him and Jane, were a clever trap and distraction so she could be kidnapped while he was gone. "Oh Jane, I have ret– No!"

Jane, of course, was nowhere to be seen. Only a small, yellow piece of paper was left in her stead. It read:

"W3 h v3 J ñ3.

$u©k 1†, $H13£D. 8D"

It took Thor nearly an hour to decipher the encrypted message.

"How on Asgard did they write all of those symbols? Egad! They have Jane!" He stood slowly as ominous music began playing in the background. "These cowards no neither shame nor belief in innocence. And now, they shall not know the mercy of the Son of Odin!"

**A/N: Uh oh, now they've gone and made Thor mad.**


	4. Battle of the Science Chicks

**A/N: Well, words can't describe how sorry I am for the super long wait. Just lost the urge to write this, is all. But to make up for it, a longer chapter! **

_Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or that fight scene that no one may even recognize._

_**Battle of the Science Chicks**_

**-CDoSHIELD Torture Chamber, Bobbi's Apartment. The next morning-**

Dr. Jane Foster, the girlfriend of Lieutenant Thor Odinson and head of the USST Propaganda Division, was tied to a chair in the midst of the Communist Dictatorship of SHIELD agents Clint, Natasha, Bobbi and Maria.

Maria slapped her in the face. "Talk! Where is the USST headquarters?!"

Jane's head recoiled from the blow, but she gave Maria no satisfaction in knowing that her cheek stung like a mother. "Kiss my ass! And go to hell!" she spat defiantly.

Maria simply smirked and turned to walk to the corner, where three buckets were sitting. She put on a pair of fire proof gloves. "Defiant to the very end, eh, Doctor? Very well; we have ways of making people like you talk." She bent down and opened on of the buckets, which was actually a can of red paint! Jane, upon seeing it, immediately began squirming in her chair. Maria also grabbed a massive, wicked looking paint brush and sauntered back to her captive. "Talk," she commanded.

"Never!"

"Fine. Be that way." Holding the paint can in one hand, she dipped the paint brush in, and then ran the bristles down Jane's chest. The doctor screamed loudly, unable to bear the horribly agonizing pain. Maria twisted the paint brush, and pulled it away with a flourish. "Ready to spill?"

Jane was panting heavily already. She had heard that SHIELD's methods of torture were cruel, but she never expected anything like this. "Screw…you…"

Maria just smirked. "Fine. I could use some fun anyway." She dipped the bristles in the paint again, and jabbed the brush into her shoulder. And her bicep. And her thigh. And her left tricep. And her cheek.

Jane's bloodchilling screams could be heard all the way down the hall in Bobbi's living room, where the other agents were plotting their next plan. "It's my apartment, I say I get to choose!" Bobbi insisted.

"That's bullcrap and you know it, Brandon," Natasha retorted. "I'm pretty much the leader, so that makes me the only one fully qualified to make this decision of vital importance."

"I agree with Natasha."

"Oh of course you do, Clint! She could say that, that fish fly and birds swim and you'd believe her!"

"Ducks swim, flying fish glide, which is close enough," Natasha responded cooly while snatching the menu out of a quickly deflated Bobbi's hand. "Now then, we will be eating Chinese takeout. Clint, make the order. Boobi, clean my gun. Natasha, sit back and watch television."

Bobbi fixed her leader a flesh boiling glare, only to pout when it was utterly ignored. As Clint argued with the Chinese food man over the phone and Natasha sat upon her ass laughing at the latest episode of Family Guy, Bobbi cleaned the latter's gun, muttering darkly about all the ways she was going to murder her in her sleep, and then have hot sex with Clint on top of her.

Some time later, a slightly annoyed Maria stomped in. "Doc is a lot tougher than we gave her credit for."

"Did she talk, though," Natasha inquired.

"Nope. I tortured her for almost twenty minutes and got a whole lotta nothing out of her. I'll try again in a bit."

Natasha sighed and began to pace the floor. She knew that the Avenging Avengers were plotting their next move. She also knew that an attack was eminent. One just didn't kidnap a lieutenant's girlfriend and not expect some form of retribution.

They needed to find that base, and fast, so they could bring an end to this war with one final attack. Natasha turned and faced the torturer. "Keep trying. We'll break her yet."

Meanwhile, in the USST's super secret headquarters, or Tony and Pepper's apartment, Thor was right next to himself in anger. He roared loudly to the heavens, causing the other Avenging Avengers to cower in fear. Even the ghost of the late Pepper Potts was huddling close to her grieving boyfriend. Steve actually thought he was going to go Super Saiyan. Bruce wondered how Steve knew what that was.

**"I WILL TEAR OUT THEIR THROATS AND HANG THEIR COWARDLY CARCASSES BY THEIR INTESTINES!"**

"Well, I didn't want to eat breakfast anyway," Tony remarked as he pushed his ghostly made pancakes and bacon to the side. He stood and clapped a hand on Thor's shoulder. "Hey man, those scumbags don't a thing about bounds or decency. This was to be expecting; and thus, I already have a plan."

Thor perked up a little. "Truly? And what it this plan?"

"Divide and conquer. Undoubtedly, they won't be keeping her in the headquarters, which is totally Natasha's place, so she's either in Clint's or Bobbi's."

"But what if she's in another place in the country?" Bruce asked. "If those guys are smart, they won't be keeping their prisoners in such an easy place to find."

Tony scoffed and crunched on some crispy bacon goodness. "Please. Those mooks, smart? Ha! They probably have her holed up somewhere within their territory, all we have to do it find out which one. And I have a way to find out." He turned on the television in the living room and switched to a camera feed. It showed the corpse of the late Phil Coulson tied to a pole with something strapped to his chest.

"…is that a bomb?" Steve asked warily.

"Yep. Right in front of Natasha's front door. If she doesn't want that particular piece of real estate to go up in flames, then they'll have to come running. And now, to snap a picture and…" One more tap of his phone, and the picture was sent to Natasha's phone. One more tap and camera feeds focusing on the front doors for Clint's and Bobbi's apartments popped up, as well.

Thor smirked with approval and understanding. As soon as the Communist agents came out of hiding to disable the bomb, they would know where they were hiding, and likely where they were keeping Jane.

"Aha!" Tony exclaimed. The others looked and laughed as Natasha ripped open a door and sprinted down the hallway, with Clint close behind, paintball gunbow* in tow.

Steve immediately recognized part of the interior that was exposed when the door was opened. "That's Bobbi's apartment!"

"And now we go to investigate."

"I shall go myself. I believe myself to be more than stealthy enough to accomplish the task without alerting anyone."

"Good idea. Thor gets Jane, while Tony, Bruce and I go handle Natasha and Clint. Let's go." They decided to not even question how Clint was even alive again, even when they all saw him lying on the ground, dead, in a pool of paint. There was no telling what kind of dark, satanic sorcery those curs in the CDoSHIELD were delving into.

Meanwhile, in Bobbi's apartment, Maria and Bobbi were holding down the fort while Natasha and Clint went to disarm the bomb. They were all positive that the former could handle it herself, but they all agreed that it could possibly be a trap and decided to have the latter accompany her.

Bobbi huffed loudly and went to go get a soda. Maria was too busy fantasizing about Steve to notice or care. Within the bowels of the prison, or Bobbi's bedroom, Jane was busy plotting her escape. The first phase was freeing herself from the ziptie that held her hands together. Unfortunately, they were behind her back. "Dammit, how am I going to get out of this?"

It was then that she had an idea. A particularly disgusting one, but am idea none the less. She drew a deep breath and yelled. "HEY! I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM! HEY, I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE ALL OVER THIS CHAIR!"

"Oh Steve, you're so big and muscular and handsome…"

Bobbi had been watching Maria mutter sweet nothings about Steve for the last ten minutes. It was unnerving, listening to some of the things she was saying. She cleared her throat and prepared to say something when she heard the yelling coming from the prison cell. "Damn doctor. Hill, pry your perverted mind away from Rogers for a minute and check on Foster."

Maria's eyes snapped open and she fixed Bobbi with a soul melting glare. As she walked out, the blonde shook her head. She swore up and down that Hill was an asexual, one of those who were married to the job.

Hill barged into the room and flipped the lights on. "What the fuck do you want?!"

Perfect, phase one was complete. Now, for the hard part. "I have to use the bathroom," she said in the most innocent, non-threatening voice she could muster.

"One or two," she replied in the most annoyed tone humanly possible.

"Two. I'm literally about to explode here. Oooh, I can feel it coming."

Maria scoffed with disgust and walked over to release her. Grabbing a real knife, she cut through the binds on her hands and feet. _At last! I'm free!_ Jane thought with joy.

She stood and rubbed her sore wrists. "Thanks."

They stood there, staring at each other awkwardly for almost a minute before Maria finally spoke up. "Well?"

Jane had been so intrigued by the shade of Maria's lipgloss that she had forgotten why had wanted to get free in the first place. "Oh yeah!" She quickly bent down and grabbed the still pretty full can of paint that Maria had so carelessly left lying out in the open. "Eat paint and die, mother fucker!" she screamed before dumping the entire thing over her tormentor.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Maria screamed to the high heavens as the paint seered away at her flesh. "Steve, help me!" she yelled for reasons Jane was certain she didn't want to know. She went to stab her to put her out of her misery, but it was too late; she was already dead, the paint having quickly melted her face off.

"You'd better be happy you didn't get paint in my eyes," Maria's ghost said before it drifted off into the afterlife. "Screw this, I have paperwork to do."

"Good riddance, bitch. Now for that other one." She burst out of the room, unarmed, and took Bobbi completely by surprise.

"What the fu–" she managed before being dropkicked to the ground. "How did you escape?!"

"Your friend did me a favor before I killed her. Now it's your turn."

Bobbi guffawed uproariously. "Dumbass. You shouldn't talk shit to someone with a gun." She reached for said gun, but quickly realized that it wasn't there. She then remembered that Natasha and Clint had taken all three paintball guns, stating that it was 100% impossible that Foster would escape, and thus they needed them more.

Bobbi smacked herself on the forehead, and ducked under a wild punch. "I still have a knife," she said as she drew it.

Jane looked warily at the paint dripping from the spongy blade. Memories of her recent torture flashed back to her mind. She shook them off. "Bring it."

Bobbi brought the blade up to her face and ran it down her cheek. She grinned savagely as burning pain shot across her face.

Jane shook it off and dodged the first two swipes before blocking the thrust. She groaned in pain as Bobbi hit her in the face not once, not twice, but three times. She retaliated with a backhand of her own, which sent her attacker reeling.

Bobbi didn't relent, but charged after her and managed to cut her across her ribcage, only to have Jane somehow spin around and tear off a piece of her shirt. Which was impossible to do, but whatever.

Bobbi growled and gingerly touched the part where her shirt was torn, while Jane growled at the torn piece of fabric and began to check herself for any more cuts. "Hmnn!" she grunted as she tore her shirt open.

"Hyah!" Bobbi responded as she, too, tore her protective vest open.

"Hyuuuu!" they both screamed simultaneously as Jane tore the rest of her shirt off and threw it to the ground.

"Rraaaaaaaaaaaagghh!" Bobbi yelled with fury as she somehow ripped her shirt clean off her body. They were left, unfortunately, with their sports bras on.

They struck fighting poses.

**Round One…FIGHT!**

Bobbi lunged forward, but Jane caught her by the arm and kneed her arm until she let go.

Bobbi yelled unnecessarily and threw several wild, but strangely accurate punches. She had Jane backed almost up against the wall until the brunette scientist blocked the blonde scientist's final haymaker and forced her back with a vicious volley of punches and knees of her own.

The ratio of yells in relations to actual punches and kicks thrown was too damn high.

"RAAAAAAAGH!"Bobbi ducked under a punch and launched another volley of kicks and high knees, culminating in her landing a nice high roundhouse kick.

"GAAAAARGH!" Jane reciprocated with her own volley of kicks and high knees that culminated in a nice roundhouse kick. "AAAAAAAAAARGH!"

"AAAAAAAAARGH!" Bobbi yelled as she caught the punch Jane threw and trapped her arm in place so she could lay into Jane's chest with a trio of hammer blows. Jane knocked her away with a superhumanly powerful headbutt.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Bobbi yelled as she grabbed the knife she had dropped and came at Jane again. Using a series of moves that, along with everything else she had done, she hadn't known until that very moment, Jane dodged all of the swipes and stabs in style. "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bobbi thrusted once more and successfully pinned Jane against the closet door when she blocked her arm.

Jane grabbed her face, only to scream out when Bobbi locked in the Breast Grope of Death™. Bobbi groped Jane's breast with all her might, much to her opponent's consternation.

Thor, who had just left the USST super secret hideout and was traveling down the elevator for the majority of the fight, opened the door and walked inside. Natasha should learn not to leave doors unlocked.

He saw Bobbi's hand on Jane's breast and instantly swelled with anger and jealousy. _Only my hand may caress Jane's supple chest!_ he thought. He grabbed a wet towel out of a bucket that wasn't there a minute go and, tightening it like a rope, latched it around the knife hand and pulled it away.

"What the –" was all she managed before receiving a punch to the head.

Breast finally free of its torture, Jane engaged Bobbi once more. The two scientists exchanged both devastating blows and over-dramatic yells and screams. The fight spilled over the entire apartment, and Thor found himself wondering if he should fill a kiddie pool with baby oil and throw them into it.

His thoughts were interrupted by a scream that was just as over-dramatic as the other ones, so he almost didn't pay it any mind. He looked over and saw Jane slashing Bobbi repeatedly with her paint-knife. Thor took that opportunity and shot Bobbi in the eye, killing her instantly. She had her goggles on, thankfully, but she was still dead.

"Keep an eye out for ya, Mockingbird," Jane taunted the corpse.

"Yeah," Thor said in a hokey accent, "See ya." He turned and trapped his girlfriend in a tight hug. "Oh Jane, it does my soul well to see you both unarmed and to watch you handle yourself as a true warrior."

"Thanks Thor. I owe it all to you."

"Me? But how?"

She shrugged, and they both walked out of the apartment, apparently having already forgotten about the dead body on the floor.

A few minutes later, a tired, ragged, and heavily bandaged Natasha and Clint walked in. One look at Bobbi's dead body and the half skeleton that used to be Maria had the top agents hopping mad. After a few minutes of hopping up and down on the sofa, Natasha said, "This. Ends. Today!"

*Those totally exist! Google them and see.

**A/N: Wow, I would've never thought this would be such a popular story. Thanks a lot for all the support guys ^_^**


	5. It All Ends With a Bang

**A/N: Final chapter, guys. Thanks a lot for all the follows, favorites, reviews, and most important, for reading. I really appreciate all the support you all have shown. :) And now, the final act.**

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters._

_**It All Ends With a Bang.**_

**Supreme Overlord Nicholas J. Fury's Throne Room, CDoSHIELD's Floating Fortress**

Bobbi Morse was dead.

Maria Hill was dead.

Phil Coulson was dead.

Supreme Overlord Nicholas J. Fury could hardly believe his ears when Natasha and Clint barged into his office and began rambling things at a hundred miles a second. "Wait, wait, wait. Run that by me again."

Natasha rolled her eyes and repeated herself. "I said Hill, Coulson and Morse are dead. The scourges of the USST Avenging Avengers Brigade killed them. I'm formally requesting that we perform a nuclear strike against Stark Tower. Wipe them off the map," she explained, smashing her fist to her open palm for emphasis.

As Clint nodded with approval, Supreme Overlord Fury's eye widened in disbelief. "You want WHAT?! Agent Romanoff, I have indulged this little exercise for long enough, I think. It's time for you all to –"

"We don't have time for this, sir!" she said, slamming her hands on his desk. "The Avenging Avengers are on their way here as we speak to assassinate you, and if that happens, all is lost!"

She was adamant, borderline hysterical, much to the dismay of the Supreme Overlord. He sighed and rubbed his one good eye. Even Clint seemed to be taking this whole thing far too seriously than was normal. "I'm sorry, but I just can't condone what you two are planning."

Instead of arguing, Natasha nodded and walked out promptly. Fury's eye widened a bit more once he realized the implications of that. He also realized that his office was likely going to be one big painting canvas by day's end.

Meanwhile, aboard the Quinjet, the Avenging Avengers had just finished their final plans to put an end to the Communist Dictatorship of SHIELD once and for all. Jane, Steve, Thor, Tony and Bruce were all ready and willing to do whatever it took to get the job done. Even dying wasn't off the table.

Jane even went ahead and brought in a specialist. Darcy Lewis, the greatest paintball player known to mankind. She had well over one thousand confirmed kills in her illustrious five year career. Steve and Bruce watched in awe as she disassembled and then reassembled her paintball gun within seconds.

She was like Natasha, only not a Communist.

"What's the situ, bffae?" she said to Jane.

"Huh?"

Darcy sighed. "What's the situation, my best friend for all eternity? What are we walking into?"

"Oh! Well, there are several hundred agents aboard the helicarrier. All of which we will assume are allied with the Communists. Natasha and Clint are the only two left of the task force Fury sent out to eliminate us, but that makes them more dangerous. It's like the Inverse Ninja Law."

Darcy nodded slowly. "Understood. What's my part in this?"

This time, it was Tony that answered. "We're all going to fight our way through the SHIELD hordes until we get to Fury's throne room. From there, you and Jane will sneak into his office and take him out. The rest of us will keep Nat, Clint and whoever else busy until the job is done."

As they all nodded in agreement, Bruce glanced at the cockpit. To his shock, it was empty. "Um, guys, if we're all here, who's flying the jet?"

"Don't question it, Bruce," Steve said, "just don't question it."

A few minutes later, the Quinjet somehow managed to land itself safely. A pair of agents walked up as the Avenging Avengers were exiting. "Oh wow! You Captain Ameri–" one of them exclaimed before being shot in the face by Steve.

"You know your assignments, move out."

The battle was immediate, and the agents of SHIELD didn't know what hit them. Literally. Most of them were actually shocked to to see the Avengers aboard the helicarrier, actually shooting at them with paintball guns. Others tried to reason with them, but were shot dead for their actions. The rest ran like cowards and were killed anyway.

It was the easiest battle the Avenging Avengers had ever partaken in. "These yahoos literally have no fucking idea what they're doing," Darcy commented as she recorded another five headshots in quick succession.

"Yeah. It's almost like they don't know this is a paintball war," Tony agreed, as if there was no way anyone couldn't have known what was happening.

Meanwhile, Clint and Natasha overheard the ruckus from two hallways away and cursed simultaneously. The redhead quickly finished cobbling together her makeshift bomb while the other poked his head out the door. "Look! It's Clint!" he heard Jane inform.

"Crap, time to go, Nat!" he said as he quickly undid the latches to the air vent cover.

"Hang on, almost done."

He quickly lobbed a grenade down the hall and watched it bounce between Jane and… wait, was that Darcy?! "Grenade! Look out, Darcy!" It was her! How did they recruit the greatest paintball soldier in history?!

"Crap, they have Darcy."

"What?! That's, like, totally not fair! She's the greatest paintball player of all time," Natasha whined. "Anyway, I'm finished. Let's get out of here." She quickly leaped into the vent, followed closely by Clint, who barely missed having his foot taken off by Jane.

"After them!" Darcy yelled. She and Jane crawled after them in the shaft while the others headed for Fury's throne room.

Agents Sitwell and Hill were innocently walking down the hall, minding their own business when they crossed paths with the four men. Hill immediately threw her hands up in surrender. "Wait! I'm dead, remem– AIIIIIIIEEEEE!" she tried to explain before being riddled with paintballs. Sitwell stood in stark shock and fear before receiving a single paintball to the forehead. He was dead before his head snapped back.

Crawling in the air vents proved to be a hindrance for those trying to shoot any sort of weapon, paintball guns being no exception. Darcy tried to line up her shot, but either lost her balance trying to aim and missed narrowly, or pressed her knee against something hard and jerked back in pain.

This exact thing happened as soon as she had a headshot barely lined up, and she ended up barely missing Clint's left elbow. "Dammit, I can't get a clean shot!"

Jane unhooked and armed a grenade, and threw it as hard as she could. "Die!"

Clint kicked an air vent cover open, which allowed the grenade to harmlessly fall into the opening and bounce off of prisoner Loki's head. "Wha-" he managed before it blew up in his face, killing him instantly. "Damn mortals," his headless body muttered.

Jane cursed as she heard the grenade blew up down below them. "Dammit, that was my last one."

"Don't worry. If we don't get them, the others will."

Natasha and Clint dropped down out of the air vents, surprising a pair of interns, and immediately sprinted down the hall toward Fury's throne room. "We have to get to Fury before the others do!" she said. They started down a new hall, only to be confronted by Steve and Tony. "Kill those bastards!" both pairs yelled, and the paintballs started flying.

Steve managed to duck behind a water fountain before having the top of his head taken off by a hail of balls. He waited until the flurry ended before he and Tony returned fire. "YAAAAAAH!" he yelled as he rained hell down upon the agent Clint was using as a human shield. The poor girl was nothing but a pile of swiss cheese when he was done with her.

"Agent Drew! You won't be forgotten!" Clint returned fire, and cheered when he clipped Steve's shoulder. His rate of fire was much slower than the other three, but his accuracy was better, since he was using a weapon he was much more comfortable with.

"I'm hit! I'M HIT!" Steve cried out.

"Bastards!" Tony sprinted from behind his hiding place and ran up the wall to get a better shot on Natasha. He managed to hit her in the ankle, and followed up with a grenade, intending to finish her off for good. She batted it away at the last second, and it landed in Bobbi's lap, where it exploded.

"Oh God, my ovaries!" Bobbi screamed.

"Clint, cover me!" Clint kept the soldier and inventor at bay as Natasha sprinted to safety down the hall. She then turned and rained down fire upon them until Clint was also safe.

"After them! Don't let them get away."

Meanwhile, at Supreme Overlord Fury's throne room, Thor and Bruce, who had taken a shortcut and arrived before everyone else, kicked the door in and started blasting. Out of the ten agents plus Fury who were either standing or sitting in the office, only Fury was spared. "Banner, Thor! What the hell is the meaning of this?!"

"The word 'this' is used to indicate a person, thing, idea, state, event, time, remark, etc., as present, near, just mentioned or pointed out, supposed to be understood, or by way of emphasis, ei, 'This is my office' or 'this is my gun'," Bruce replied with a smarmy smirk.

"…what?"

"You asked for the definition of the word this, and he indeed gave it to you," Thor answered, the same smirk playing across his lips.

Fury just stared at the both them as if they had just grown three more heads. "Not you two, too! You've all taken this thing way too far, and I'm putting an end to it right here, right now." He reached for his phone, but quickly drew his hand back when Thor shot it into a million pieces. "My phone!"

"You won't be calling upon any reinforcements today, Supreme Overlord!"

"Now then," both Bruce and Thor took a dangerous step forward when both air vent covers above Fury came crashing to the ground, followed quickly by Jane and Darcy. They both trained the weapons on either side of Fury's head, who had his hands raised in surrendered.

"Gotcha now, bastard!" Jane said triumphantly.

"Not you too, Dr. Foster!"

"Hey, what about me?"

"To be honest, Ms. Lewis, I've come to expect this sort of thing from you." To that she beamed.

"Damn straight. Hey you two, stand by the door so when Nat and Clint show up, we can trap them." Bruce and Thor nodded and pressed themselves against the wall by the door, unseen from anyone passing by. After that, Jane and Darcy ducked down behind the desk and waited.

Meanwhile, Steve and Tony gave chase to the two spies, taking shots whenever they could. The latter hurled his knife and caught Clint in the thigh.

"AAIIIIIEEEEEEE!" he screamed as he clutched his injured leg. "Go on without me!"

"Stow that talk soldier, we're here," she replied as she literally dragged him into Fury's throne room. "Finally, we're saf–"

"Reach for the stars, dirtbags," Bruce said cooly as he and Thor jumped out and trained their weapons on the two assassins.

"It's a trap!" Fury yelled.

"Gee thanks, Ackbar," Clint deadpanned. He and Natasha were forced to their knees as Darcy and Jane jumped back up and aimed at Fury.

Thor laughed. "I understood that reference."

"You understand this one? Clint, rochambeau!" She and Clint elbowed Bruce and Thor in their groan, sending both men tumbling to the ground. Before the ladies could react, they were scampering behind cover and preparing to fire. "Make 'em dead, Clint!"

"YAAAAAAAAHH!"

Fury, Jane and Darcy ducked down before being hit by the barrage of paint. The latter two rose and fell like a game of wack-a-mole as they returned volley for volley, barrage with barrage. Neither pair scored a hit, strangely; and that fact didn't change once Thor and Bruce regained their wits about them and rejoined the fray.

"Not in my fucking office!" Fury bellowed, but to no avail. To make matters worse, the already cramped throne room was made even more so by Steve and Tony bursting through the door, guns blazing and roars thundering through the room. In the blink of an eye, all eight of them were engaged in the most intense close quarters paintball war ever seen by mortal or immortal eyes. Thor would vouch for the latter at a later date.

Both Natasha and Clint had Tony dead to rights, but the billionaire shot forward and did a backflip off of Fury's desk. While still in midair, he drew his hand paintball gun and dual fired on the two assassins. He missed Natasha, but got Clint in the shoulder twice. He went to finish the archer off for good when, *click* *click* "Shit, I'm out!"

"Me too," Steve said.

"Me three," Thor added.

"Me four," Bruce cried.

"Me five," Jane lamented.

"Not me, fuckers," Clint yelled with joy. He stood and fired, but his paintball was somehow intercepted by another paintball. He looked in complete shock and saw Darcy with two fully loaded guns. "But how? Ice this bitch!"

Darcy stepped from behind the desk, into the line of fire of both assassins, without an ounce of fear on her face. Both agents unleashed unrelenting volleys of paintballs on the intern. She smoothly dodged everything that came near her, even the one she couldn't have possibly known where coming.

"Impossible!" Natasha screamed. She threw her last grenade, which was batted away and exploded out in the hallway. Clint quietly threw his last when her back was turned, but she reached back and caught it without looking, tossing it casually into the chair which Natasha was hiding behind.

"She's the Jesus Christ of paintball!" Clint wailed as he fired the last of his paintballs futilely. They were dodged, as were Natasha's.

They, along with the Avenging Avengers and Fury, stood in shock and awe, slack jawed and eyes wide open.

"My turn," she said dangerously. She leaped onto Fury's desk and backflipped off, unleashing her own barrage of impossibly accurate paintballs.

Clint was hit three times in the head and twenty in the chest. He was dead before he hit the ground. Natasha was hit ten times in the chest and ten times in each arm and leg. She slumped to the ground, barely breathing and hardly able to speak.

Darcy landed with her guns crossed over her chest. She slowly looked up, allowing the men in front of her to gaze upon her intensity. It was awe inspiring. "She is indeed the Odin of paintball," Thor commented.

Natasha fiddled with her sleeve and pulled out what looked like a detonator. "If I'm going out, I'm taking ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS WITH ME!" With that, she cackled insanely and pressed the button.

"Look out!" Steve yelled as he leaped out of the door when the bomb Natasha left lying on the ground exploded. Every square inch, including the people inside, of the throne room was covered in black and red paint.

Everyone in the room was killed. Tony, Darcy, Bruce and Thor, being the closest, were vaporized instantly. Jane and Fury, being behind the desk, had their upper bodies vaporized while their lower bodies remained untouched. Natasha and Clint died from their paintball inflicted wounds, and thus were already dead when the bomb detonated.

All was quiet, except from the sound of wet paint sliding down the wall and the pained groans of the seven corpses.

Steve poked his head in the door and surveyed the carnage. Upon seeing Natasha and Clint, and more importantly Fury, dead, he checked himself over. He was somehow untouched.

"Hey, I'm alive! We won!" he declared, throwing his arms up in victory. The Avenging Avengers all jumped up and yelled in celebration.

"Ahahaha! In your faces!" Tony laughed. "Now pay up."

"Are you serious?! How the hell did Steve of all people survive? No offense," Clint demanded as he stood tall and stretched his aching limbs out.

"None taken. And I jumped out at the last second. Now pay up, both of you. And don't forget Bobbi, either."

The losing pair grumbled and forked over the one hundred dollars to each of the winners, as per the agreement set out before the war began. "Ah, today was indeed a glorious battle. Well fought, my friends."

"Especially you, Darcy. I had no clue you were that good," Bruce commented with a genuine smile. The others all added their agreement.

Darcy just shrugged. "When you get in the zone, crazy shit happens."

"Well, I'm glad I asked you to play with us," Jane said. She walked over and joined her friends by the door.

Fury jumped up from behind his desk and almost cried when he saw the state of his office. Not even a single centimeter of it was its original color. Literally everything, including him, was covered in paint of all sorts of colors. "WHAT THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" he roared at the top of his lungs.

"Jeez, what's his problem?" Tony asked.

"Yeah, the way he's acting, it's like we did something wrong," Natasha frowned.

"GET OOUUUUUUUUT!"

"Okay, sheesh. No need to blow a gasket," Jane said as they all shuffled out.

Fury was right; his office was one big paint canvas.

All in all, the Avenging Avengers won the Great Paintball War of 2013 and they, along with Jane and Darcy, were prohibited from ever setting foot on the helicarrier again.

And they all lived happily ever after.

–_**End–**_


End file.
